there was a time when I would sit here, put on some good music, drink a bit of good wine and try to write something of significance with a bit of poetry and style. These days I hammer out hours as days evaporate closing in on my deadline of this Wednesday. The pressure has gone past what I would consider healthy. I've internalized much more than I should and it's beginning to take its toll. I realize I'm in a world of hurt and there is no way out but through the birthing process known as creativity. No artist is truly sane and sure as shit they aren't happy. But I like being happy so why can't I do both? Because it's not easy being creative when you have to do it on schedule, when the things that typically fuel your creative fire are long gone from the schedule and when sleep becomes the poor substitute for that fuel.
I realize that lately I only post negativity and bitch and moan about things out of my control - a clear sign that I have very little control in my own life right now - or at least that is how it feels. Remember Indiana Jones when he was running in front of the big round boulder - that's me but I don't look nearly as cool doing it.
This next week is going to be sheer hell for me as it was the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I is there waiting the second I get up and it goes with me to bed. It is tearing me apart and what was 'jason' has spilled out all around me from the torn seams. I'm sick of asking for more from everyone around me. It's always easier to ask a lot of yourself because for me, I'm very focused on the end result, the goal in mind and task at hand. But to ask of others - it's really getting old. I've asked so much from those working with me on the movie. From strangers from whom I need favors. I've asked over 24 people to help me bag Lance Armstrong and many tried but nothing panned out. It's all well and good to say, "I'm tenacious, I won't fail..." but when success hinges on more than what you can do yourself it simply isn't easy. No one likes an asshole and it's really hard to not become one these days.
I guess this is a bit of an open apology to those whom I have asked for too much, who have given what they can, and for a lack of creativity in my words these last many months. It's all going into the movie. I just hope its worth the pain. I really look forward to better days, when this suffering is over - then reacquainting myself with